ATTENTION!

Merry Christmas.

wow...

North Korea is a very strict place.

BOOM!

Remember, remember the fifth of November, remember the gunpowder plot.
I see no reason why the gunpowder treason ever should be forgot.

NaNo...Again

Well it's that time of year again. NaNoWriMo is here! w00t! so this year i've gone with (yet another) post-apocolyptic invasion type story without zombies. I have decided to base this year's novel on the theory that China will one day invade the US. after doing a little research i find this strangely disturbing. obnoxiously half the "proof" for China invading us is just some lame "prophecy" crap. someone had a dream abpout chinese people killing americans and therefore the world's coming to an end. idiots.
so anyway it's based loosely off the song Fields of Athenry, the characters, that particular scene described in the song. that's kind of where i got my idea for the big "plot twist" so i'm happy. now i actually have some idea what's going to happen! yay!
i am very excited about this new one, i really like my characters (for now. wait until they get older and more developed and they'll start acting out...) and the setting is perrfect. another evil iittle town (called, of course, Athenry MN).

The Anual Word/Caffine/Santiy Counter says:
Day: 1
Word Count: 4,900 words
Caffine Intake: three cups of coffee
Sanity Level: 2

Agincourt, 1415

This day is called the Feast of Crispian (October 25):
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a-tiptoe when the day is named,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
He that shall see this day and live t'old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say "To-morrow is Saint Crispian":
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars
And say "These wounds I had on Crispin's day."
Old men forget: yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember with advantages
What feats he did that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words
Harry the King, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester,
Be in their flowing cups freshly remembered.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispianus shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remember'd;
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he today that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition:
And gentlemen in England now abed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.

--Henry V Act IV, Scene III

Bloody Taggers

Bob has been tagged. i let my guard down, and now I'm tagged.

the rules for tagging are:
Link the person who has tagged you.
Tell seven truths about yourself.
Tag seven new people.
Leave a message with the person you have tagged so they know about it.

you shall all be feeling my tag soon >:)
so in compliance with the rules, here are seven things about Bob that most of you hopefully don't know:

1. I can play music using only my fingernails and chin
2. I have a rule that if a cheese curd squeaks on my tooth i must spit it out.
3. 42
4. I fully intend to read Tristram Shandy one day
5. i have a love/hate relationship with dogs
6. I make it a point to say "yes, there is" when someone says "there is no spoon."
7. I hate revealing things about myself. other than my dislikes.

There. Happy?

Book Klub

A post on this subject has been a long time coming, but it's finally here. Book Club. On the third Thursday of every month i have been going to a small Lutheran book club based out of a small church (or sometimes this scary guy's home) now I'm sure some of you are right now going "why, Bob? why? why go stroke your beard with people over books when as far as you go for reading is looking at the pictures?" Bob shall tell you why: FOOD! food everywhere! Indian, Mexican, American, everything. there are books and there is food. what could be more enjoyable.
i should mention one of the other people belonging to this society of literate Lutherans, and i ask you to visit her blog asap. this would be Not Freddy, who has faithfully (and eerily) observed us and documented our every meet. so check out the links remember to beware the ides of march. i warned you last time.

Obituary

I figured i should say something about Matt Miller. I don't have much to say other than he will be missed by those who loved him.

Please read this.

High on God Part II/1984 Parenting Tips

okay, so i believe i have a loose end to tie up. unless i am mistaken i must sum up the second half of my evangelical overnight. i hate to say it, but there wasn't much to say two. to tell the truth i slept through half of it because half of it was (fake) sermons. after sermon number 539 we went for breakfast, which was burritos. but why that particular food? i have no idea. they were good burritos, but...not at 8 am. please. there was another, longer, stupider sermon and the day was more or less finished up. we sat around for a while, waiting for rides and arm wrestling. this is an old tradition among these people. you see myself and a few of the other guys (and a couple of the girls) are constantly competing to see who is the most masculine, and a wonderful way to do this is by arm wrestling, racing and just plain wrestling. that was fun.

now, on to the other subject Bob promised you, and as you all know, bob on occasion decides to honor his promises once in a while. I've decided that my parenting tactics are going to be based off of 1984. first, i will have a Two Minutes Hate against hippies and poodles. you may already know of my plans to have them call me Captain Sir (just to keep them in line) but i think that putting up posters of my face with the caption "Daddy is watching you" will help significantly. They shall, of course, be enrolled in the Junior Anti-Sex League and recite fluent Newspeak. I will as well have a tape of myself constantly repeating "War is peace, doing what i say is bliss, eating your vegetables is strength." perhaps that will keep them in line. perhaps. My children shall live under the Iron Fist of The Parent!

and speaking of 1984, here is Big Sister.

okay, something fun. somewhat good band vs slightly annoying band.

Goo Goo Dolls: love top wallow in sympathy (http://youtube.com/watch?v=NMZUYeDrl-c)
Billy Tallent: has some good old fashioned pride (http://youtube.com/watch?v=I-9gu0lfQ50)

by the way, one of my kids is totaly going to be named Winston.

FOR YOU Conference

this past weekend I attended my first (national) Higher Things conference and I must say I was not disappointed. I will attempt to make this as short as possible as I need another 15 hours of sleep.
we arrived (the conference was held at the Minneapolis University grounds) kind of late and got checked in, then caught the beginning announcements and pleanery (seminar attended by everyone) which was based on the new piece of fine toyery from Wal-Mart. when that was done the 1,200 kids there migrated to the chapel for evening prayer. That was my first Divine Service with more than 50 people. It was pretty amazing.
After that we had free time, in which myself and a few others hung around and lightsaber dueled. About 10 pm someone pulled the fire alarm in the dorm and we were all evacuated. That was entertaining. We eventually got back in and slowly began dispersing to our various rooms and dorms.
The next day Bob got up early and went to breakfast which was amazingly good for cafeteria food. The man who swiped my food card smiled and wished me a wonderful day. I met up with people soon; we talked, messed around, drank too much coffee etc. then came Matins where we sang and prayed and all that good stuff. After that was pleanery II where we were introduced to Rev. Cwirla's preaching/stand up routine. Then lunch, and after the man cheerily swiped my card I went about my eating.
i think my favorite class was the one on cults where we learned that Mormons think they are spirit babies, it would be an even fight in a cage match between the founder of the JWs and Jack Bauer and wiccans are amazingly annoying people.
After that we took over the memorial union, which then became ours by right of conquest. The memorial union is basically the U of M campus mall, featuring shopping, pizza and a massive game room. After having my butt thoroughly kicked at pool by Alex, the rest of the group and I headed up to the top floor to play apples to apples, at which I did, erm, interestingly. We finished up with evening prayer and I spent the rest of the night riding the elevators with large groups of other kids.
The following day was begun with breakfast at which I enjoyed watching a friend fill a hiking canteen to the brim with coffee, and then drink it all. At Matins we went to eh 3rd level rather than our usual 2nd. It was fun, watching everyone below us scuttle around like ants. They are lucky I decided not to step on them…
For a while we went to more studies, ate, drank and were merry and then came 4:00. at 4 the busses to Midway Stadium left and after hopping on one with someone I had just been introduced to I was off to the ball park! Bob found her to be quite pleasant. I believe the whole city is a big pothole, which includes what’s left of Dinkytown. We had a good time at the game, sitting out in the cold rain, shouting “pants!” when they played the charge music (don’t ask…) and playing games we picked up at summer camps.
We had evening prayer there which was awesome; we stood in the bleachers and did the liturgy in the ballpark.
Friday was both the best and the worst. It was, of course, the final day which was sad but at the same time we had all had so little sleep that anything was funny. Anything. This included people taking down eating pavilions, dropped spoons and old cars.
We finished the first service and went for announcements and plenary, then finished off with our last breakaway and lunch.
There was a massive divine service with 1,200 people coming up for communion which was awesome. Afterward we stayed a while to say goodbyes and take pictures, which we did a lot.
The whole thing was a lot of fun and Bob is still kind of sleeping it off. It is, however, a little strange to be around people 24/7 and suddenly hardly at all. So, now that I’ve wasted your time with that, make sure to beware the Ides of March.

High on God Part I

Wow, Bob must be one serious masochist. For the second time I went to the Calvary Chapel "retreat" (of which I have previously written) to have people do their utmost to brainwash me and turn me into a mindless happyzombie swaying and mumbling to repetitive praise music. Now of course I enjoyed it as I did before, all but the horrible theologyless preachin' and soul-sucking music.
I arrived and threw my things in a tent, hoping that it was the correct one. I spent the next half hour or so wandering around finding people I knew and meeting people I didn't. After a bit we started a game of football and all the testosterone pumped boys ran about tackling each other to the ground, half the time not even caring if that particular person under them had the ball. Of course true, clean fun could not last. Within fifteen minutes the controlling half-adults decided that we couldn't do anything that would help turn us into not-weenies so it declined into girlish touch football.
Eventually we were herded like cattle to the slaughter from the field to the barn/church. There a band (which to them is almost as holy as "pastor dude" himself) began playing horrible, contentless repetitive crap they call "praise music." the sad thing about this particular setting is that the band was actually pretty good. The bass and drums especially were great, taking the occasional flourish to show that they had actually skill and didn't belong with these idiots. At long last we finished and a guy in a pony tail wandered up on stage. He spewed some crap; we prayed the Prayer of the Just ("Lord, we just want to thank you and, just ask your presence here and just...") and then were free to, once again, light things on fire with gasoline.
There was a nice big bonfire behind the barn followed by a trip to the cemetery; however nobody came up so we didn't get to zombie anyone. For the rest of the night until we were sent to "bed" we wandered about the tiny little unincorporated town that hosted the event. About nine of us traveled in the group and looked like some sort of very pitiful gang, wandering down the middle of the street.
As the call rang out to make for the tents we decided to check the fire to see if it was sufficiently out for exploding. It was.
Four or five people (all friends who we knew) sat around it quietly talking. It had died down to little more than a couple odd flames here and there and a lot of ashes and sparks. We pitched a firecracker in, waited a split second and were rewarded with an explosion, scattering the sparks within a two foot radius and making all four of them fall of their seats, screaming like little girls.
We finished up the day with lots of talking and laughing, not much content to what we were saying but it entertained us. we played various games such as the "sentence game" (going around in a circle with each person adding one more word to the overlong sentence) with each sentence starting with a word like "vodka" or "drowning." you know for innocent fundigelicals they sure know a lot about drinking.
That about sums up day I, lots of explosions and bad theology.

Llama turns 1!

I just thought i should say that this blog is now a year old as of the 7th. i must say this has turned out rather well, you people have listened to me rant about good days, bad days, tree-huggers, Shakespeare, exotic Santas, vacations, babies, novels, Shakespeare again, e-dramas, Dante, renaissance fairs, vulgar old men, and, of course, evangelicals. i have to admit you've put up with it pretty well and i thank you for that.
It has occured to me that this has also become something of a journal for me, if i have an especialy interesting time i post about it, or a slightly interesting time i comment about it.

so that's about it, just wanted to inform you all that Llama has turned 1. yay!

day: 368
posts: 41
links: strangely, also 41
sanity level: -8

Job Description

One of Bob's little end of the semester reports was about what i want to do when i grow up (physically) and how to get there. it was quite interesting. in researching this i met a lot of interesting people (through the internet) and, well, didn't realy go anywhere, but met a lot of interesting people. for those of you who don't know Bob plans on being a police officer, SWAT unit specificly, but before i can do that i will be a simple street cop for at least 5 years. i'm pretty sure that's what i want to do. the choice has realy been law enforcement or military for me, and since i can't join the army due to some phisical restrictions i am going with a law enforcement career. i contacted some SWAt team members and read some articles they wrote, and they all ended up pointing to the same things: hard work, not enough pay, amazingly rewarding. depending on the area a SWAT team may be called in once every week or so for drug busts, hostage standoffs and any dangerous situation. of these the most rewarding is said to be hostage standoffs, in which the officers get to see first-hand the person they saved. the most obvious problem with this is, of course, the mortality rate. one video that i found especialy moving follows below. i should warn you it is extremely graphic, lots of real-life shootouts and deaths, although all the officers survived.



this is the only problem with becoming a police officer. these officers are hardly remembered and appreciated. many people dislike the police and most don't appreciate what they do (that being keeping those perps from killing you or me), they see them as being around to spoil parties and give speeding tickets. those that do get attention are the ones the media portrays as dirty cops, regardless of whether they are or not. such is the case with a New Jersey man shot by an officer after aiming a high-powered rifle at him. as the man lifted the rifle to his shouolder the officer fired and killed him. he was portrayed as a monster who went around strangling kittens and shooting sweet little men in wheelchairs. the same goes for those who shoot armed children. when one is on the wrong end of a gun one does not stop to think "oh, it's a child behind that loaded weapon, i'd better let him shoot me." the police do far more for us than we realize. every officer in that video took that bullet for you and every other defenceless citizen out there.

okay, ibtter angry-at-society rant over now.

just a couple links to police/SWAT vids:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=8IHQqW8zOSk&mode=related&search= (graphic violence)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=DpKl9TF5DeE (not quite as graphic violence and a fat guy)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=1rKXTXF11HA (not that bad)

Evangelical Rant!

As some of you may or may not know I am a big fan of the TV show "Malcolm in the middle." some parts of it *cough*olderbrother*cough* remind me very much of my life. But while watching it the other night one specific part reminded me of something.

Reese hands off a huge stack of video games to a kid for $5

Malcolm: "Reese, what are you doing?"
Reese: "selling my material possessions"
M: "why?"
R: "because Brother Billy told me to"
M: "Brother billy? you mean that nut who rides around on the school bus handing out pamphlets?"
R: "it's called the manifesto and he's not a nut if you stop and listen to him. he and his followers have this awesome compound in Oregon where we're going to live off the land."
M: "You're going off with this guy?"
R: "don't worry, it's totaly safe! they have guard dogs, watch towers-"
M: "do mom and dad know about this?"
R: "No and you can't tell them. Brother Billy says the have negitive energy and bad karma."
M: "you're talking about joining a cult are you nuts?"
R: "Brother Billy doesn't talk to me like that, he makes me feel good about myself."
M: "It's called brainwashing Reese!"
R: "my name isn't Reese anymore."
M: "then...what is it?"
Reese stops, ponders,
R: "I don't know but it isn't Reese. now if you'll excuse me i have manifestos to distribute."

Or watch THE CLIP starting at 6:07 and ending at 7:07

That is pretty much how it goes in evangelical churches. You have to sell all your material possessions and go megachurch fulltime. There’s another "believer" who needs to live with you? You can't deny, it's "ungodly" and you will be shunned. the only way to get your rep back is to convert someone or make a huge sacrifice "for the lord." they don't seem to realize that in the Christian faith we believe that Christ already made the sacrifice so they don't have to go live in a hole in the ground and act like a martyr. But they do. And if you don't there must be something wrong with you.
another thing about that clip is the "manifestos" which in Fundimentalish translates to "chick tracts" those hideous little things you find in the copy of TIME at the Dentist's office or hidden in the candy in a gas station. Those are the evil little things that proclaim "a man once saw hell with his own eyes!" and "D&D is satanic!" and all the nonsensical crap like that. They must distribute them in annoying places or...I don't know...they shrivel up and die.
The "compound in Oregon" is just like a megachurch. You can't leave, you can't get in if you're not "saved" but instead of Oregon it's in California. Always in California. Stupid California.
the part about him not speaking to his mom and dad is evangelicalism exactly. i have no idea how many times i have talked to one of my fundamentalist friends and when a non-christian relative or friend enters the discussion they say "oh, but we don't see them much. they aren't Christian."
I will not even mention the whole thing about the "brother Billy makes me feel good about myself" line.

The thing that really caught my attention when I saw this part of the show was when Reese refers to "brother Billy." some of you may remember my somewhat popular post "raise my hands and sway" about the evangelical "retreat" I went to.
As I watched the TV he said the words "Brother Billy" my memory clicked and I remembered something. The last ten minutes or so that I was there was some moron up on stage declaring that "I have conclusive proof that the end-times will come in my lifetime! Amen?" there followed, of course a rather stoned sounding "amen" in response. This was one of those many times when, while bob was around evangelicals, he had a very hard time not standing up and shouting "No you do not you dim-witted slackjawed buffoon!” Jesus said "only my father in heaven knows the day" and so you cannot know for certain.
I also had a strange impulse to run up on stage and beat him over the head with one of the many electric guitars present (EVERYONE in Calvary Chapel plays guitar it's another one of the requirements).
But when I went home and thought about it I just felt sorry for the guy. People like that are so sad and scared and hopeless that they convince themselves that because of that Jesus must be coming back soon. "Signs" you see and "prophecies" you listen to will make no difference, God will do as he will and there's nothing we can do to hurry Him along, and nothing we can do to predict.
I remember when I was a very little kid and the first "Left Behind" (in my way of thinking "left butt-cheek") book came out. Our babysitter was very into it, and though we were still in our terrible Evangelical days I still didn't get it.
"What is that?" I asked him.
His reply was "the future."
When he set it down to go make us dinner I picked it up and read the back, though I had to skip a few words. I had heard the end-times thing explained to me before and even at that age I found it completely ridiculous.
I find this a good time to re-link to this

I Am Man, See Me Nod

Bob has decided to mix things up a bit. instead of starting my post with "you know what pisses me off" i will begin it with
I've finaly found something that makes me happy. the manly head nod. When bob rides a bike, jogs, walks etc and passes some other guy who is similarly involved we nod our heads. i find this nice. it's a bit like the teen grunt. if you see someone on the street and pass them you grunt, which means that you have politely acknowledged their existence but don't have to go into a discussion about the weather.
it is the opposite with (no offense) women. if you attempt to pass a woman and one of you says "hi" then you are in for a long discussion about the weather and some stupid local school politics. all the 40-something women who ware trying to get in shape love to take time away from actually exercising to stop and chat about some stupid inane little subject with someone they don't even know. this is different with someone you do know, as it would be rather rude not to stop and say hello, but with a complete stranger you should not be obligated to speak more than a word or two.
the other day i went on a local bike trail for an hour or so, during which (yes, i was counting) i preformed the Manly Head Nod 8 times. i had to stop and chat once, which really pissed me off. it was some lady with a poodle.
i hate poodles.
i believe the Manly Head Nod should become a more regular thing, not limited to guys. i don't know, do women do that? some sort of Feminine Head Nod? or do they have their own thing, like waving or spitting?
another good one is a combination of the two, a Manly Head Nod and a Teen Grunt. i haven't run into that all that often but when i do it is quite nice. i find the Nod very encouraging, and i think if we continue along this path we may one day be a society of people who hardly talk at all. my kind of world.

oh, and new movie by Bob, all of it made at 2 AM BUT BEFORE YOU WATCH watch the one below.

The Battlefield, a beautiful, toutching movie

You're It!

strange, but this weekend the world doesn't seem to be working so hard to spite me. something bad must be on the way.

anyway this weekend we went lazer tagging with some friends, for ethan's birthday party which was in january. and so after rescheduling several times due to colds, flues, weather and ethan going through detox we finaly got around to it. it started at the chinese buffet where i made my arteries hate me for ever more (mmm...bacon wrapped weiners...) and we made sun of the rather dumb goldfish.

we finnished that up and got to the main part of the afternoon: lazer tag. have any of you ever been lazer tagging ? Not back-yard style, i mean in an arena, such as Ultrazone or Lazerquest, Lazer Park etc. it was very crowded and hot when we got there, but in a fun way. off to the side was a video arcade with a sniper game (overpriced, but enjoyable) which we messed around with until they called our names for the "breifing." we all filed into a room where the very bored employee told us the rules and then informed us that there was to be "noshoving,puching,unspotsmanlikeconduct,climbing,crawlingorrunning" in the arena. we then had about ten minutes to talk and goof off while the game before us ended. we then chose teams (red, yellow or blue) and went into the vesting room, which looked something like the picture above, only cooler. the place had a very military feel to it (duh, we're shooting at each other...) but more than the rest the vesting room felt like we were about to go storm a compound. the vests were heavy but it felt right, i don't think it would be as much fun if we didn't have what felt like body armor on. they looked like SWAT team vests only with colored lights. when the employees gave the word the three teams flooded the rooms, sticking together or going solo. soon red lazers filled the air and the sound of running feet and shooting were everywhere. it was built like a maze, with colored walls and blacklights everywhere. fog was pumped into the rooms and there was kettle-drum filled music over the loudspeakers, all of which combined to make a long, 15 minute adrenoline rush. i did quite well that game, mainly due to the fact that a) i shoot and so could aim better than some and b) i am a tactics nerd and i know weird things (ie how to entera close-quarters room, where to watch for enemies, crap like that). firends and i stayed generaly together, splitting off and coming back sometimes. there was one time i remember in particular about this game. a kid was running down a long hall, i had no idea what he hpoed to accomplish by doing this, but he was on the enemy team so i fired once and him him square in the chest. his vest turned off (which is what happens when you are hit) and he ran away. very fun.

the second game was much the same, blacklights, music, bases, tactices, shooting, smoke, except that this game a group of 6 or 7 girls had begun playing, and being 10-year-old girls (no offense, girls) they had no idea how to fight (yes, i've decided to drop all the pretenses and call it fighting, because that realy is what we were doing) or where to go. i found them, at one point on the stairs between the two levels, where with a few quick flicks of the trigger i got each of them.

boy, for such little girls they didn't have mouths made of sugar and spice.

the hub of activity in this place is the Blue Base, which provides excelent firefighting places. so friend and i stormed it with another person on our team, and somehow got through more or less intact. that was very fun.

on the last game we got into the breifing room and after the employee had gone through her whole thing about the rules we had a few minutes to sit and wait. ethan and friend 1, who were on an opposite team from me and friend 2, started clapping, playing mob mindgames, and it worked. everyone was soon clapping, faster and faster until it just erupted into applause. that reminded them, of course, or "we will rock you" and the whole room erupted into it, banging on the bleachers and hands until it slowly faded away. you know, that song is basicly a tribal war chant. only instead of psycing the berzerkers up to go fight the Danish they we were psycing ourselves of to og after the other teams, or in the case of a sports game, when one is doing that one is psycing the players up to play harder against the other team, but either way it is basicly the same as in the dark ages.

that round went fine, and by the end i was tired and (even more than usual) wanted to go join a SWAT team.

People Annoy Me

i wonder if the sewage people will have trouble purifying the weekend that i just threw down the drain. probably.
this past Friday and Saturday Bob and family went to a college, a small Lutheran one about six hours from Bob's tiny little liberal infested town. now that we have a new, not so crappy van the trip up there wasn't as bad as many, though it was longer than some. we got out of the house about 11:00 am and got bored about 11:03. i read some more American Gods and continued my memorization of every Flogging Molly song ever written, all of which made it somewhat fun. A little ways there i telepathically killed Ethan's CD player. while looking out the window i let my mind wander, and came up with the following disjointed thoughts.
wow, that car is even crappier than ours. i wonder if it has a CD player. probably. stupid crappycar CD player people. speaking of crappy CD players i bet Ethan's is going to die soon. Ethan's old portable CD player had been on the fritz for a few weeks now, making a clicking sound every time it was played. just then i tore myself away from the wet landscape to see Ethan banging on his CD player. i took off my headphones and looked at him.
"Did that thing just-"
"die! stupid piece of crap mumblejunk..."
i sat back and wondered at the past few moments, and eventually came to the conclusion that i had telepathically killed his CD player.
we then went to see some family on my dad's side who lives up by the college. they were nice, we talked, tried not to fall asleep while talking, had to stick our fingers in light sockets to stay awake while we talked etc. they were very nice, good food, nice dogs, and a very cool farm.
later we checked into a hotel and watched, well, made fun of, the old Helen Keller movie and drifted off to sleep.

the college was okay, little and rainy. we had crappy cafeteria food while Ethan did a scholarship interview. we then went to a church service which was actually very fun as there were about 100 or so people there and a very cool organ. when we were done with that w e trundled around some more while some brainwashed student told us about how "absolutely wonderful" their school was. she made me slightly sick. we then went to the bookstore for, and i do not exaggerate, two and 1/2 hours. 2:00-4:30. i have never hated books so much in my entire life, and that's saying something. when we finished that we went to a semi-formal dinner. any of you who know me well know that i hate "dinners" especially formal and semi-formal ones. we had to sit there and act like we had some class while making "pleasant conversation" while avoiding any subjects worth discussing. "no politics, no religion, no masons" is what parents constantly say so what else is there?
the one interesting part of the meal was when a waiter dropped a tray and several people went "oooooo!" WHO SAYS "ooo!" WHEN A WAITER DROPS A TRAY!!??!! it was like they had never seen crappy plates break before, or the dropping of the tray was some sort of slap in the face to someone, or the waiter would be fired for this. myself, my brother and his friends discussed this in depth, and came up with nothing. "ooo!"...idiots. *bob massages bulging vane in forehead, wipes sweat from face and unclenches fist*

so altogether, not a total loss, after all...oh, wait, total loss.

Bob has published a new youtube video! it is very fun as all the Mcfly fans are extremely pissed off.

As well as a trailer for a thing that doesn't deserve one, because it was 1 am and i felt like making it.

And an awesome sketch.

St. Patty's Day

it has occurred to me that Saint Patrick's Day has never been a big thing for me. why is that? my whole room is completely covered with plaid and i wear a kilt at every opportunity Bob gets, not to mention that i play pipes and can't wait to be old enough to drink. maybe it's how commercialized the whole thing has become, or maybe i wasn't loved as a child...I'm not completely sure. but this year has been a little different, i got up early today to catch a good Irish band on the local news (why must they put them on at 6:00 am?) and ended up staying up. after waking myself up with an old recording of "st. Patrick's day in the morning" (i know it's cheesy but i couldn't resist) i went out for a walk. cold out there. then came back here, spewed happy Gaelic at people on forums and chats, found something that reminded me of things i do with people and soon after the day started.
I donned my kilt and Ugly Brother and i went to see Ghost Rider (WORST MOVIE EVER!!!) and on the way through town we rolled down all the windows and put in a tape of "Bagpipes of Scotland" and turned the volume up all the way. that was very fun, just the looks on people's faces as they watched a very average looking mini-van go down the streets blaring the Skye Dance Song. priceless. as we got there we got our tickets and went in. immediately i spotted the best people in the lobby to mess with. the bikers. about 5 or 6 muscle-head guys were standing in a loose group, so, being bob, i walked past them and made them jump out of the way. soon after we wen to get a good seat (the movie wasn't going to start for a little while and Bob excused himself to go "get popcorn" but we all know that wasn't the case. i went out into the lobby and looked around. first target: grandma. she wasn't all that old, maybe late 50s, early 60s ish. so i innocently skipped past her and made her half-run away. she wasn't actually my target, rather the all too average looking man standing beyond her, but he just made a face where as she nearly pushed people out of the way to get away from me. next was the urinal. I'm sure you've all heard me speak of the great horrors of port-o-pottys when wearing a kilt, but urinals aren't any better, i assume. i walked into the men's bathroom and looked, there was one open one, right in the middle of a dozen men. i stood in front of it thoughtfully for a moment and watched everyone else slowly move away from that accursed place where they assumed i would go. i made them suffer for another 10 seconds of fake deciding then went into a stall. i could quite literally hear a sigh of relief from one man.
the rest of the day was pretty uneventful, i sat around, ate, drank, was merry, nice day altogether, attracted some nice attention with the kilt, my favorite kind, the confused kind!

and have i mentioned that people annoy Bob. they do. a lot.

soothsayer says:

BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH!!!!!!

ACT I, SCENE II. A public place.
Flourish. Enter CAESAR; ANTONY, for the course; CALPURNIA, PORTIA, DECIUS BRUTUS, CICERO, BRUTUS, CASSIUS, and CASCA; a great crowd following, among them a Soothsayer CAESAR
Calpurnia!

CASCA
Peace, ho! Caesar speaks.

CAESAR
Calpurnia!

CALPURNIA
Here, my lord.

CAESAR
Stand you directly in Antonius' way,When he doth run his course. Antonius!ANTONY
Caesar, my lord?

CAESAR
Forget not, in your speed, Antonius,To touch Calpurnia; for our elders say,The barren, touched in this holy chase,Shake off their sterile curse.

ANTONY
I shall remember:When Caesar says 'do this,' it is perform'd.CAESAR
Set on; and leave no ceremony out.

Flourish

SOOTHSAYER
Caesar!

CAESAR
Ha! who calls?

CASCA
Bid every noise be still: peace yet again!

CAESAR
Who is it in the press that calls on me?I hear a tongue, shriller than all the music,Cry 'Caesar!' Speak; Caesar is turn'd to hear.

SOOTHSAYER
Beware the ides of March.

CAESAR
What man is that?

BRUTUS
A soothsayer bids you beware the ides of March.

CAESAR
Set him before me; let me see his face.

CASSIUS
Fellow, come from the throng; look upon Caesar.

CAESAR
What say'st thou to me now? speak once again.

SOOTHSAYER
Beware the ides of March.

CAESAR
He is a dreamer; let us leave him: pass.

and so they do, forgetting about the warning. later Caesar is stabbed by members of the senate. i have told you people and told you people but still you refuse to beware the ides of march! well guess what? now you are going to be stabbed by members of the senate. maybe next time you will listen to bob.

also, don't forget to look at the Wikipedia entry for Freemasonry, look under "religious objections or something like that. i may or may not have had something to do with all the anti-masonic evidence presented there, i will admit to nothing.

*whistles*

Caffine

over the past week Bob has preformed an experiment on himself. no, not the werewolf syrum again, a different one. after someone pointed out the fact that although i am young i am completely addicted to caffine (if you count 2 cups of coffee and a Vault almost ever day addicted...) so i decided to try someting. for three days i had no caffine and for the rest of the week after that i had only 1/2 cup of milked dow coffee in the morning to keep me from litteraly falling asleep on my text books. this was the most terrible week of my life.
i woke up day 1 (monday, last week) and after barely keeping myself awake by shocking myself with a 9-volt every few minutes i got a headache. it was not fun, in fact it was downright painful. after that (teehee) i became sluggish and tired. not a fun day.
day 2: another headache, not as bad. not so tired
day 3: no headache, tired.
now after this i began having coffee, 1/2 cup filled the rest of the way with milk. this was because i dropped instantly from Bs to Cs in school the day i stopped caffine. this increase raised my grades to passable Cs. each day after that i had only a little coffee, enough to get me up, no more. days seemed longer, much more boring. everything seemed stale, flat and unprofitable. it just generaly sucked.
but today i was liberated from my gloomy fate, and one of my first actions out of bed was to drink a pot of hazlenut coffee, gulp down a 32 oz mt dew and sit happily on the buzz for a while.
i was told that i should stop being addicted, so i tried it. i didn't like it. people seem to use mcfly lodgic when debating why not to be addicted to caffine.
"why not?"
"It'll stunt your growth." then they look at over-six-foot bob and curse.
"so why not?"
"you shouldn't be addicted to anything at your age!" if we realize it or not, we're almost all addicted to something.
i think partialy this was an experiment to see if i had the will to stop drinking it. i surprised myself in that way, i thought i'd come rushing back to my Life Juice in a day, kissing it and saying that we'd never break up again. i guess it didn't go that way. still, i learned a lot from this experience. now i just need to figure out what.

also, don't forget to check out the revenge song!

the locals have banjos

The other day Bob went to a tiny little town of maybe 4000 for a gun show (which, by the way, he missed) and it suddenly occured to him that he had stepped into the twilight zone. It was a small midwestern town inhabbited by the strangest bunch of yokels you could imagion. when we first came in we needed directions to the gun show so we stopped at a little gas station. a tiny little rusty, crappy, dirty gas station, and after getting directions from a kind of weird pair of old women we started to pull away. then Bob noticed the soda machine. it was old. REALY old. about 1965 old. and in perfect condition. this wouldn't have been quite so odd if everything around it weren't completely dirty. absolutely everything within a twenty foot radius of this machine was completely caked with filth, but not the machine. so i shook my head and focused on other things. we passed some very old houses intersperced with very new houses (weird) and then anohter gas station, with a red chevy, a green ford and a black loncoln at the gas pumps, which would still be there in 5 hours when we left (also weird). but anyway we found out that the show wouldn't be on that day and after much sorrow and grief (ie: "oh. crap.") we decided to go (surprise surprise) to the antique shop. it was an nice one with some old lady crap that annoyed bob and a completely out of place bathroom.
after we spent several hours in there we went toThe Resturaunt. not one of the resturaunts, The Resturaunt. this is a town about as big as the one i live in, and we have at least a dozen, they have only one place to eat, well, actualy they have a chinese place which is strange and i susspect run by the mob like the one here, but i'll get to that in a minute. The Resturaunt was a little itallian place called Marios, which actualy had very little italian food in it. our waiter looked exactly like Dave King (http://www.bbc.co.uk/radioassets/photos/2006/8/29/3308_2.jpg on the left, red hair) only he had a lame hand and some sort of speach impedament.
the chinese place which i walked by called simply "dragon" was also weird. i looked in the window and noticed that it looked exactly like the kind of store mob bosses always own in mob movies. and there was nobody in it, although there was an open sign in the window. outside they had menues for the place, and although they were paper, it was a windy day and there wasn't a rock or anything on top of them, none were flying away. weird.
and did i mention that the streets were completely void of people? yes! not a soul dared walk on the sidewalk or street. another place that seemed deserted was the train yard, and although the trains were running nobody was ever visible.
now before i go completely crazy i should mention the bar. as i walked down the street from where we parked to where the crap shop--er--antique store was i went by one of the fifteen bars there. i could hear the rib-rattling music of a live band inside, as well as the hooting of the fans. i tried to see if i could recognize the song but couldn't so i continued on. ten minutes later i walk by it again and it is completely deserted.
that's just a few of the weird things in that town, i won't even mention how half the store-fronts had buisness signs in them but nothing inside, and completely ignore the strange little bakery kid.

so the point is, as i have always thought, bob attracts strange things, which, i guess, includes towns.

the haunchies made me do it!

honey, will you be my sappy gift-oriented money-for-love holiday?

Ooookay! Bob has been looking forward to this for a very long time. because in case you three or four people who read this don't know, Bob despises Valentines Day. it's completely useless, i mean, nobody should have to "prove their love" one one particular day. if your boyfriend/girlfriend happens to forget the day, then maybe they have ADD! maybe they don't have a good left-brain. too bad. and also, as all my friends in the Anti-Valentines Day circut will tell you, it hurts not to have a girlfriend. personaly, I don't care, i just put any time or energy worrying or caring about that into my aim when i put a high-powered 30-30 tracer round through a heart-shaped box, then blow it to pieces with a 12 gague and finaly light what's left on fire. realy, i don't care, but i have compassion for those poor bald shmoes who sit there with the razor blade in front of them every Feb 14. what're they supposed to do? go out with their invisible friend? NO! they sit and are depressed. That's where i come in with my Santa of V-day thing. i hand out firecrackers and heart-shaped boxes to all the good little losers and shmucks.
Valentines day, as you should know, is overrated. it is a reason to get idiots to buy stuff, and for the rich to get richer. S I boycot Valentines day and attend as many Anti-ValDy things as possible, in person or online.

finaly, i have yet another link
WARNING!!! SOME OF THESE ARE NOT VERY NICE, IN FACT THEY ARE DECIDEDLY VULGAR!!! but many of them are good and extremely funny. so if you're sensitive to that thing don't click because if you're sensative to that sort of thing you probably wouldn't like the good ones anyway.

http://meish.org/vd/

also, Bob makes movie! (or at least youtube video). Bob (the one lighting the fires, in green/black coat and funky gloves) and friend torture and kill plastic heart formerly full of chocolates. it is an act of anti-VD.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMwarr-oxBA

"I must admit in spite of this even I couldn't find much to like about Bob."
--Mostly Bob by Tom Corwin

THE BEST CLIP YOU WILL EVER SEE!

this is what happens when you work as a stock broker with your brother (as i said, this is the best clip ever)...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9_nGwVV_gw

and PEEPS!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhCmfX_PQ7E&mode=related&search=

and now to end this with a piece of conversation between Bob and a friend:

Bob: "So you do anything interesting lately?"

Friend: *Mumble*

Bob: "What?"

Friend: "I SAID I SILLYSTRINGED A NUN!"

in the name of the eye, the square and compas...

okay, you already know that Bob is weird, so i've finaly advanced to the ultimate level of weirdness. I am a Masonic Theorist. i honestly didn't want to be though, really. I like to poke around conspiracy theory sites and people, and two things inevitably come up, UFOs and Freemasons. So I decided that I should know something about what i was talking about with these sad little men, so I got a few books from the library (ie my second home) and started to read. i got one book about UFOs, I'm still not completely convinced, and then two other books, The Lost Keys of Freemasonry; or The Secret of Hiram Abiff and a New Encyclopedia of Freemasonry by E. A. Waite. i thought I'd just scan them quick and then move onto American Gods (great book) but I was not so fortunate. I flipped around in the encyclopedia and soon found a heading labeled "masonic baptism." this set off alarms in me right away. Baptism (for you non lutherans) is a sacred thing, a thing in which we litteraly toutch God through the water that washes away our sins, it is a way to bring a child into the church, a key element here. it is not something to be mocked or mimmicked, as i first thought they were doing. but i soon found that they were completely serious. they would dedicate their child to the Masonic Lodge and the Grand Lodge of England.
starting to sound like a cult yet? it gets better.

please visit: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1466579788481207090&q=freemasonry+darkness+to+light

creeped out yet? there's more. at least one man, a man named Morgan was killed for attempting to reveal the Masonic secrets, this is not a theory, it is a proven fact on file with the government. that's just the start of things i have found in the Encyclopedia of Freemasonry, there is also the Egyptain rite(Masonic Rite=higher rank mason), like the scottish or york rite only creepier and not so well known, it involves much sexuality (in a very bad way, though i won't go into the details) mixed with Egyptian gods.
In the secret of Hiram Abiff they begin to spring this crap on you from what was up until now basicly a grown up version of 4-H about the "building of soloman's templ" and the "lost name of God" and all sorts of other crap. if you happen to know anyone who is involved with Masonry, ask them about Hiram Abiff, the true name of god and other thing like that.

They're out to get me!
Bob