Tuesday, December 30, 2008

WTF? (an totally new name for a blog post)

let me start off by saying: i'm sorry. i'm really sorry. but just one more stupid thing off the internet:

but this one has a REASON! yes, that's right, a whole reason! this will sound familiar to some of you.
so a couple years ago i was wandering around town looking for trouble as is my habit when suddenly i saw something out of the corner of my eye and i looked around to see it. it was a monkey. i am still sure of it. it was a ring-tailed lemur. i am as sure of this as i am sure that i strongly dislike caviar. it had run from a public pavilion the stoners hang out under to a car in the parking lot twenty feet away. it was running with its butt up, a thin white-and-black striped tail was straight up behind it. i followed and tried to get a good look at it but couldn't before it ran into a tiny little space that i couldn't go. see that animal in the picture? probably the same thing!

Monday, December 08, 2008


yes, i know this is pretty much what i did the last post, but i'm doing it again. deal with it. the creepy thing is just how many of these i (and hooligans like myself) already know and very often do (see #11 14 26 31 etc.)

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Zombie Haikus

blood is really warm
its like drinking hot chocolate
but with more screaming.

Wake up to the sound
Of puppies being eaten
No more chewed slippers

If zombies smoked pot
maybe they would skip the brains
and settle for cake.

The day I died you
tried to put a bullet in
my head. You missed. Lunch!

Brain eating monsters
Make disappointing lovers
Because of the fear

Zombie Haiku by Dylan Thomas
Do not go gentle
into that zombie plagued night.
And take the shotgun.

Zombie Haiku by William Shakespeare
To bite through the skull
or beat it against the wall?
That is the question.

Zombie Haiku by Edgar Allen Poe
Beside of the sea
I killed my Annabel Lee
because zombies do that.