Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Okay, Twilight fans.

Stop trying to justify yourselves.

I mean, with the first book, an argument could be made, maybe. If it weren't for the fact that she spends the first 400ish pages talking about NOTHING and the plot takes 7/8ths of the book to make an appearance it would be a decent book. If only...
My true complaint comes in another form, however.
Edward Cullen is stealing all our women.
This is bothersome, for, as Martin Luther said "Man cannot do without woman." And not just that, our women are letting him!
Try telling a Twilight fan that Edward sets an unreasonable standard. Just try it! They don't seem to believe it, no matter how long you waterboard them. In fact, they seem to think that it should be easy as pie (wait, maybe cake...) for any guy at all to be Edward Cullen and compete with his sparkling preppiness. I'll let you all in on a little secret *secretive whisper* we can't do that like Jayne said: "There ain't people like that. There's only people like me."*
There are a hundred and one other defenses I've heard too. "We don't like Edward, we like the image of Edward."
Wanna unpack that one for me honey?
"Every girl looks at Edward and sees the boy she likes, so really it ends up helping you guys..."
Okay, i call BS. They are not thinking of any mortal, human person. Mortal, human people don't sparkle. Also, most don't have crooked smiles, and when they do, they are fixed by braces. Very few of us are "Seraphim-like" either (that term was used three times through the first book. Yes. I counted.) We are, in fact, human. Sucks, don't it?
A friend of mine once threw glitter on himself as a joke to his girlfriend who had said something along the lines of "Why can't you be more like Edward?"
For the moment let us entirely ignore how asinine that statement is.
Well, she did not take this very well. He dared to mock The Edward. In fact, they broke up a couple months later. I laughed.**
So anyway, Twilight fans, can we keep the stupidity to a minimum? Yeah, that would be nice. Thanks. Not that you'll do it. God, I hate Edward Cullen.

Little sparkling asshole.

*point of fact, Jayne also said "I'll show you right well I got man parts." So perhaps he is not the best source to quote.

**One problem with his plan was that glitter does not come off easily. In fact, it takes a lot of scrubbing, and it still won't come off for a week. So he had to go to school sparkling.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

CSI: Sheboygan

A classy bunch.

my personal favorite quote of all time: "You can't arrest me as I am going to be naked now"

Saturday, October 03, 2009


So for the benefit of The Celebrated Author, i have composed an extensive list of All the Thrice Songs that Everyone On Earth Should Listen To. i thought i would post it.

Music Box. A gorgeous song, still gives me goosebumps after having listened to it hundreds of times over 2 years.

Like Moths to Flame. a retelling of the Last Supper.

Image of the Invisible. military anthem of the virtuous counterculture.

Beggars. ESSENTIAL. about Martin Luther's last words. that says enough.

The Messenger. a retelling of Isiah 6, my personal favorite chapter of the Bible.

Artist in the Ambulance. brought me to tears the first time i heard it. but a good part of that was timing.

Doublespeak. based off of Orwell's 1984 (it seems every punk/alt band has at least one song titled after a 1984 device). made me want to spit out the words "jackboot toe-tap" every few sentences.

Lockdown. from Thrice's early years, a more speed-metal version of Doublespeak.

Come All you Weary. more or less explains itself.

Child of Dust. a retelling of the parable of the prodigal son. also written in Shakespearean Sonnet form.

Trust (acoustic version is best). also featured on the album "Punk Goes Acoustic" with other great songs like "Baby I'm an Anarchist" and "Swing Life Away"

Stare At the Sun. about the search for truth in a world of postmodernism.

Flags of Dawn. warning: will make you miss people terribly. not a good song to listen to after an HT conference.

some others that are not as essential, though still amazing:

The Weight. a serious song about marriage.

The Lion and the Wolf. the only media influence to ever give me nightmares.

The Abolition of Man/Don't Tell and We Won't Ask. based on a C.S. Lewis book.

Elanor Rigby. The Beatles song, with metal.

Pheonix Ignition. great chorus and symbolism.

Cold Cash and Colder Hearts. all about Amerika.

The Arsonist. about, well, fire. in a brilliant way.

The Melting Point of Wax/Daedalus. from 2 different albums, two opposing views of the Icarus myth.

Carol of the Bells. kick ass Christmas carol. ker-win.

this is a massive list, but every song here has influenced my life, the way i think, talk, sing, act and believe. and they are all brilliant. these are suggestions, so take them just as such.