Okay, Twilight fans.

Stop trying to justify yourselves.

I mean, with the first book, an argument could be made, maybe. If it weren't for the fact that she spends the first 400ish pages talking about NOTHING and the plot takes 7/8ths of the book to make an appearance it would be a decent book. If only...
My true complaint comes in another form, however.
Edward Cullen is stealing all our women.
This is bothersome, for, as Martin Luther said "Man cannot do without woman." And not just that, our women are letting him!
Try telling a Twilight fan that Edward sets an unreasonable standard. Just try it! They don't seem to believe it, no matter how long you waterboard them. In fact, they seem to think that it should be easy as pie (wait, maybe cake...) for any guy at all to be Edward Cullen and compete with his sparkling preppiness. I'll let you all in on a little secret *secretive whisper* we can't do that like Jayne said: "There ain't people like that. There's only people like me."*
There are a hundred and one other defenses I've heard too. "We don't like Edward, we like the image of Edward."
Wanna unpack that one for me honey?
"Every girl looks at Edward and sees the boy she likes, so really it ends up helping you guys..."
Okay, i call BS. They are not thinking of any mortal, human person. Mortal, human people don't sparkle. Also, most don't have crooked smiles, and when they do, they are fixed by braces. Very few of us are "Seraphim-like" either (that term was used three times through the first book. Yes. I counted.) We are, in fact, human. Sucks, don't it?
A friend of mine once threw glitter on himself as a joke to his girlfriend who had said something along the lines of "Why can't you be more like Edward?"
For the moment let us entirely ignore how asinine that statement is.
Well, she did not take this very well. He dared to mock The Edward. In fact, they broke up a couple months later. I laughed.**
So anyway, Twilight fans, can we keep the stupidity to a minimum? Yeah, that would be nice. Thanks. Not that you'll do it. God, I hate Edward Cullen.

Little sparkling asshole.




*point of fact, Jayne also said "I'll show you right well I got man parts." So perhaps he is not the best source to quote.

**One problem with his plan was that glitter does not come off easily. In fact, it takes a lot of scrubbing, and it still won't come off for a week. So he had to go to school sparkling.