Wednesday, February 21, 2007

the locals have banjos

The other day Bob went to a tiny little town of maybe 4000 for a gun show (which, by the way, he missed) and it suddenly occured to him that he had stepped into the twilight zone. It was a small midwestern town inhabbited by the strangest bunch of yokels you could imagion. when we first came in we needed directions to the gun show so we stopped at a little gas station. a tiny little rusty, crappy, dirty gas station, and after getting directions from a kind of weird pair of old women we started to pull away. then Bob noticed the soda machine. it was old. REALY old. about 1965 old. and in perfect condition. this wouldn't have been quite so odd if everything around it weren't completely dirty. absolutely everything within a twenty foot radius of this machine was completely caked with filth, but not the machine. so i shook my head and focused on other things. we passed some very old houses intersperced with very new houses (weird) and then anohter gas station, with a red chevy, a green ford and a black loncoln at the gas pumps, which would still be there in 5 hours when we left (also weird). but anyway we found out that the show wouldn't be on that day and after much sorrow and grief (ie: "oh. crap.") we decided to go (surprise surprise) to the antique shop. it was an nice one with some old lady crap that annoyed bob and a completely out of place bathroom.
after we spent several hours in there we went toThe Resturaunt. not one of the resturaunts, The Resturaunt. this is a town about as big as the one i live in, and we have at least a dozen, they have only one place to eat, well, actualy they have a chinese place which is strange and i susspect run by the mob like the one here, but i'll get to that in a minute. The Resturaunt was a little itallian place called Marios, which actualy had very little italian food in it. our waiter looked exactly like Dave King ( on the left, red hair) only he had a lame hand and some sort of speach impedament.
the chinese place which i walked by called simply "dragon" was also weird. i looked in the window and noticed that it looked exactly like the kind of store mob bosses always own in mob movies. and there was nobody in it, although there was an open sign in the window. outside they had menues for the place, and although they were paper, it was a windy day and there wasn't a rock or anything on top of them, none were flying away. weird.
and did i mention that the streets were completely void of people? yes! not a soul dared walk on the sidewalk or street. another place that seemed deserted was the train yard, and although the trains were running nobody was ever visible.
now before i go completely crazy i should mention the bar. as i walked down the street from where we parked to where the crap shop--er--antique store was i went by one of the fifteen bars there. i could hear the rib-rattling music of a live band inside, as well as the hooting of the fans. i tried to see if i could recognize the song but couldn't so i continued on. ten minutes later i walk by it again and it is completely deserted.
that's just a few of the weird things in that town, i won't even mention how half the store-fronts had buisness signs in them but nothing inside, and completely ignore the strange little bakery kid.

so the point is, as i have always thought, bob attracts strange things, which, i guess, includes towns.

the haunchies made me do it!

Thursday, February 01, 2007

honey, will you be my sappy gift-oriented money-for-love holiday?

Ooookay! Bob has been looking forward to this for a very long time. because in case you three or four people who read this don't know, Bob despises Valentines Day. it's completely useless, i mean, nobody should have to "prove their love" one one particular day. if your boyfriend/girlfriend happens to forget the day, then maybe they have ADD! maybe they don't have a good left-brain. too bad. and also, as all my friends in the Anti-Valentines Day circut will tell you, it hurts not to have a girlfriend. personaly, I don't care, i just put any time or energy worrying or caring about that into my aim when i put a high-powered 30-30 tracer round through a heart-shaped box, then blow it to pieces with a 12 gague and finaly light what's left on fire. realy, i don't care, but i have compassion for those poor bald shmoes who sit there with the razor blade in front of them every Feb 14. what're they supposed to do? go out with their invisible friend? NO! they sit and are depressed. That's where i come in with my Santa of V-day thing. i hand out firecrackers and heart-shaped boxes to all the good little losers and shmucks.
Valentines day, as you should know, is overrated. it is a reason to get idiots to buy stuff, and for the rich to get richer. S I boycot Valentines day and attend as many Anti-ValDy things as possible, in person or online.

finaly, i have yet another link
WARNING!!! SOME OF THESE ARE NOT VERY NICE, IN FACT THEY ARE DECIDEDLY VULGAR!!! but many of them are good and extremely funny. so if you're sensitive to that thing don't click because if you're sensative to that sort of thing you probably wouldn't like the good ones anyway.

also, Bob makes movie! (or at least youtube video). Bob (the one lighting the fires, in green/black coat and funky gloves) and friend torture and kill plastic heart formerly full of chocolates. it is an act of anti-VD.

"I must admit in spite of this even I couldn't find much to like about Bob."
--Mostly Bob by Tom Corwin