Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Bob Sails Off to the Grey Havens+Paolini Rant!

Yes poor misurable people! Bob's back! you thought you could keep him out but NOOOO! he busted out of his straight jacket, broke the one-way glass, pushed past the big nurses, stopped to jeer at a crazy person and ran over to his computer to ramble at you some more!
but anyway, bob wont be able to post much in this coming month so Colin, you suck and everything you say is complete bull. Brother, you smell. Aiden, your blog confuses me. sir darth etc., you need help. lightbulb...see previous statement.
"and self, go back to the psyce ward" (a message from my other personality). this is due to NaNo, which you may have already read about. Bob has little contact with the outside world at this time, but then again, what else is new...the life of a nerd is a never ending trial.
also, in the news department, bob will most likely soon be visiting an evangelical youth group (shudder) and will write about it, so my public will soon be happy again. this isn't certain, because as much as i love ranting, i hate evangelicals youth groups.
also: I hate paolini. appologies to you who for some reason find the eragon series entertaining.
i am thinking of writing 95 thesies against it. oh...i hate paolini. his first name doesn't even mear saying, but for you who dont know it's the same as the black commedian whos last name is Rock.
not only are his characters cut out from cardboard, ie the hero who "realy just wants to farm potatos," (cough) Tolkien, Jordan, George Lucas x2, Jaques, (cough). but all the other characters are terrible too. the metaphores are okay to some extent, but other than that it's generic fantasy. mercedes lacky class. but then again, lets not say things we cant take back. stupid paolini. and then he goes around comparing himself to tolkein! TOLKEIN! "oh i wrote some stupid stinkin' generic fantasy, I'm like the guy who wrote four books that have become the fathers of fantasty and amazing classics. that's like that stupid little punk from coldplay comparing himself to bono. stupid paolini. also, the names are rip offs. such as Merlock! that is one of the stupidest fantasy names I have ever heard, trumped only by Ithor.
also, as you may know Bob hunts. in the first chapter, Paolini's character Eragon (crappy name) is hunting deer. he's supposed to be the best hunter in the village, but he uses the stupidest tactics I have ever encountered! now, a deer can hear a human walking from hundreds of feet away, even sleeping, also, a hunter, for moral, good-of-the-hunt and common sense reasons NEVER shoots at a moving target, especialy with a bow. So Eragon is hunting with a bow and he comes across a pack of deer (deer dont run in packs of more than 3 or four, unless it's according to paolini.) that are sleeping and sneaks up on them. now one of them would almost definetly be awake to hear him, and even if there wasn't they would still have heard him, since he was crashing through the woods (to a deer's ears)until a few feet away. after that the dragon egg (described EXACTLY like a palantier from Lord Of the Rings) appears for no appearent reson with a poof which wakes and scatters the deer. now, lets take a moment to look at this. do dragon eggs normaly go poof in fantasy stories, even the most surreal? no! they are laid (stop giggleing middle schoolers) and do not simply appear with a little poof, like a poodle being hit by a car.
so the deer scatter andrun away and Eragon shoots at one! ask any hunter you want, you NEVER do that. if you do happen to his the thing (a 1 in ten chance) you'll almost definetly hit the rump, just causing it pain, not something any hunter wants to do, pluss it's a waist of arrows for a medeival peasant.
and the house! it's like a modern home, about a billion rooms and a nice barn! THIS IS NOT HOW MEDEIVAL PEASENTS LIVED, fantasy world or not. okay. bob is calm again now. stupid paolini. well, the men in the white coats found me again. I must leave you now. beware the ides of march!

stupid paolini

Sunday, October 15, 2006

dog crap...

one day, while twirling his mustache, laughing evilly and collecting the mortgage from the old woman, bob realised he has not yet told the rest of the nutt house about the Dog Crap Guy, or the Cryptic Sign Guy.Bob and family were on vacation one year and were coming back from the beach. as we went up the hill to where our car was parked we came upon a man who was coming out of the bathroom. he said hello and soon he and my parents were chattering away. he lived generaly near us so that got them talking even more. suddenly, and for no appearent reason this guy just starts going "y' know, I have a nice lawn. but my stupid neighbors let their dogs crap all over it..." (here he decended into a long string of angry words that were more mumbles than words. Bob will relate what he could make out:) "(mumble, mutter) dogs crap on my lawn...(mutter) dont let my dogs CRAP on their lawn... (mumble) (mumble) dog crap... (mutter)...gets stuck in the mower...(mutter mumble), dog crap!" as all of us stood confused and at a loss for words, another man came up, from the dog crap guy's back. Bob should probably mention that this was a state park with a kind of gate. this other guy walked up, looked around, smiled and in a voice amasingly like Comic Book Guy from Simpsons said
"whould some whone please explain the rhather cryptic sign up ahead that says 'gates close at 8'. does that mean gates litteraly 'close at 8', or there shall be no admittance hafter the eighth hour?" as we all stood shocked and confused by the simply surreal events unfolding, a young boy of maybe five came running up and lovingly jumped on his dad (Cryptic Sign Guy) to give him a hug. Cryptic Sign Guy flinched slightly from the impact and then turn ed slowly around. In a firm but quiet voice he said to the child "Do not do that Richard." those five words have become a normal saying around Bob's friends and family now (because I've told this story too many times). soon after we staggered, bewildered to our car and as soon as the last door shut burst out laughing. it was one of the most bizzare and funniest things Bob has ever experienced. other than the Old Man.

poor richard! his father must show him no affection at all. poor kid.
and in other news (well, that wasn't realy news, it happened a while ago) Bob prepares for NaNoWriMo!* wee! for those of thee that dont know, NaNo is National Novel Witing Month (that month being November), inwhich crazy people, like Bob and Bob's brother, write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. this involves a lot of computer time, a lot of coffe, a lot of sugar and a lot of monster, red bull, no fear, rockstar (ick), adrenoline rush, JOLT, chaser, vault, MDX, amp, full throttle, thousands of other energy drinks and over all a lot of writing. Bob is making the first true zombie novel (other than World War Z) and will soon not be rich and famous. basic plot, for those of you who wish it: zombies take over, only little pockets of humanity, one group decides to rescue art (so it's not all lost) and then---bob will tell you when he finds an ending.

oh and one more thing, if you haven't seen it, SEE IT NOW!!!!!:
the demented cartoon movie. even better than Lord of the Peeps.

Gleeg Snag Zip!

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

the SS is out to get me.

Bob has posted a short non-logical drool on his Conspiracy site. it has to do with evangelicals, so some of you may actualy read it. if you do read it and want to comment, do it as if you believed it or post it here. heh. i have problems.