Sunday, August 27, 2006

raise my hands and sway

Ah it's been far too long since I ranted against the evangelicals. but over this last weekend I went to a "youth retreat" just to see some of my friends. I am currently in rehab. when I got there it seemed okay, people I knew walking around, talking, pelting each other with airsoft guns (a passtime into which i quickly dove) and all was right with the world. i rolled out my sleeping bag into my friend's six person tent and then went back to where I could be with my small group of fellow retards. the boys tents were on a huge hill, surrounded by tall grass. below the hill was the barn where the "teachings" and (shudder) "worship" happened. a few hundred feet away was the house and a little beyond that the girls tents. we didn't do anything especialy fun for a while, just sat and talked about our pitiful lives.
Then it hit like a tital wave. BOOM! explosions of repeated words set to "music" and rebelling-against-theology teaching! for four hours until well past dark! AAAHRG! they all said the prayr of the just, first thing, it went something like this: "Lord, i just wanna praise you, and just, feel your presence and just totaly thank you for that just, totaly awesome thing you did on the cross, and just..." you get the picture. there were so many stupid things they said that i don't have time to tell them all, so let it suffice to say that they didn't have brains.
But after that we were finaly released fronm the bonds of rapture crap to roam free and light fires with gasoline.
once while bored I and a few freinds screamed at the top of our lunges "Joe!" (an acquaintance of mine) "your mommy wants you to kiss her goodnight" and "Joe
! your mommy wants to know if you brought deoderant!" yes it was infintil;e, but fun. after lighting a bon fire and sitting around it for a while, we decided to go to the old lutheran cemetary a block or so down (this all takes place in an unincorperated town) and hang out there for a little while. but as we babbled innanely we heard the sound of people coming, so we hid behind gravestones (mine was someone named Bennet.) and as they got close we jumped out and "zombied" at them. we all stumbled foreward yelling "brains!" grabbed their heads, looked into their ears and pushed them away yelling indignantly "no! brains!" again, infintile but fun. later we were forced into our tents by the stupid goteed councilor dudes and so we sat and talked. all kinds of pointless subvjects came up, from siblings to girlfriends (none of us, even at our age had ever had any) and so the night wore on, with all of us talking and occasionaly slipping out of our tent and into the house for some caffine. and so we stayed up all night, just like I had the night before, which made an even 48 hours (the required number of hours awake for marines).
about six in the morning we met with a female friend of ours and were recruited to wake everyone up for breakfast. So we had fun yelling and shaking tents, especialy with the realy old people. And so in yet another fit of infintileness, while they were stuffing their faces we TP'd everyone on the hill's tent, and the clicky brat girls crapshack.immediately after that I got to go over to a local gun club and shoot my extraordinarily cool shotgun, but missed my chance to throw things at the nazi rally.

did you ever see a llama, kiss a llama on a llama llama's llama taste of llama llama llama duck. (I'm slipping)

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

creepy porn thing on my blog! humbug!

to whom it may concern:
a little while ago while looking at my blog I noticed that somehow on my post under "comments" there was one. this was strange because I had posted it less than half an hour ago. When I checked it out it was some adertisment under "annonymous" for "full frontal nudes" so I deleeted it. I'm not sure what this was, how it got on to my blog or anything, so if it's a real person looking at my blog and posting I say to you "SCREW YOU YOU PERVERT BUGGER!" so please don't be offended if you see something like this on any part of my blog, and if you do please report it. thanks.

"romeo and juliet were thirteen years old, by modern standards this is shocking but according to the history books, thirteen was almost middle aged back in the middle ages. discounts for the elderly kicked in at twenty, women gave birth at nine, men went off to war at five, and the average eurpoean died before he was born."
--reduced shakespeare company

here's a llama there's a llama, fuzzy llama funny llama...

what has our world come to? Is this what people waste their time making?!?


Ya know the divine comedy? NOT FUNNY!!!

WARNING: if you like poodles or have known a poodle that came to a tragic end, skip the first paragraph.
Greetings Bob's public! Now that I'm back you can stop that whole "weeping and nashing of teeth" thing. first thing's first. poodles. I hate poodles. I am also not a big fan of french. so french poodles are the most vile of evil things, excluding Tom Cruise. Bob came up with a theory a while ago, concerning fluffy dogs and confette. one day while riding in a car, some bloody poodle came walking allong, half in la-la land across the street, forcing the driver to hit the breaks. stupid poodles. So after we had all mentaly cursed out the poodle, my smelly, er, brother and I came up with a theory. poodles, if hit by a car, do not go splat, they go puff. not crunch, not crack, not splat, but puff. you see as poodles are like the most extreme vally girls this world has ever known, they are filled not with blood, gutts, bones nad organs, but with a sparkley confette-like substance. My friend's parents recently got an annoying, dirty, needy little french poodle, and we have a routine. As soon as the poodle comes into the room one of us points and shouts, to quote Hamlet: "how now, a rat!" and when it runs away: "dead for a ducket, dead!" in conclusion; stupid poodles.
This next subject is a depressing one, so I'll try to make it quick. modern day Nazism. in my small part of the midwest, there is schedueled to be a "Nazi march" soon. I'd tell you exactly how I feel about this, but heaviest of heavy metal rockers would be offended. I don't know whether these people are ignorant or just cruel, but I bloody well want to do something. somebombs would be fun, swastica burning, make hundreds of photo comies of holocost victems and throw them at the buggers, simply up yours-ing them as they go by. (the first two I have no real intention of doing, the others however...) I know that angry, rage seething ramblings are no fun so I'll finninsh this up. to all you bloody Nazies out there, UP YOURS and enjoy your stay in hell.
Finaly we come ot the last of my insane ravings, "classic books." now some of these are great, like Beowolf, or Kidnapped (it's set in Scotland during the revolution, how can it be bad?) but some annoy me. Walden, Silence of the Lambs, and most of all Dante's Inferno. Walden, this I have not read, but I will have to read it and from what I hear, it's like an entire book written about sitting on a rocking chair on the porch. now had it been written by Hemmingway, the old fart sitting on the porch would be drunk and homocidal. that's much more fun. And then there's Inferno. Dante's theology is messed up, Martin Luther an every single great theologen all through time is rolling over in his/her grave. But there is also quite a bit to be said for Dante, the writing's cool and some of the things that happen are more origional than anything you would read today. and so in conclusion I reviewed four great books for your convenience.
Dante's Divine Comedy: not funny.
Walden: activity is overrated.
Harry Potter: overrated.
Silence of the Lambs: "shut up lambs!"

"people who don't go to bed don't get to eat their own cheese."
--my mother